Humor Page
Computer-like Upgrade for Newlywed Husbands????
Dear Tech Support:
Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Husband 1.0
uninstalls many other valuable programs
such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1
and installs new, undesirable programs such as
PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere
4.5.
Conversation 8.0 no longer
runs, and invariably crashes the system.
Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1
or HouseCleaning 2.6.
I've tried running Nagging
5.3 to fix Husband 1.0,
but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness.
Can you help, please!??!
Sincerely, {Name withheld}
Dear {Name withheld}:
This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible.
Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained.
It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory.
Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0. In desperation to play some of their "old time" favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0.
Look in your manual under "Warnings: Divorce/Child Support." You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.
Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults [GPFs]. This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command
Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.
TECH TIP! Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a
C:\ I APOLOGIZE
command before the system will return to normal operations.
Overuse can also cause
Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, to Beer 6.0.
Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create
FatBelly
files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete.
Save yourself some trouble by following this tech tip!
Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly.
Consider buying additional software to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.
After several years of
use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar
and you will find many valuable embedded features such as
FixBrokenThings 2.1,
Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.
A final word of caution!
Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0.
This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shutdown of the operating system.
Husband 1.0 will run only
Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2
until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled!!
I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!
Tech Support
YOU MAY BE A COMPUTER GEEK...
If you start introducing yourself as “Jon at I-I-Net dot com”;
If you introduce your wife as “mylady@home.wife”;
If your spouse sends you an e-mail instead of calling you to dinner;
If you use a pocket calculator to divide the bill at a restaurant;
If you want a new motherboard for Christmas;
If Dilbert is your hero;
If the only jokes you receive are through e-mail;
If your wrist watch has more computing power than a dual core processor;
If you have “Dilbert” comics displayed anywhere in your work area;
If you don’t even know where the cover to your personal computer is;
If, last Christmas, you got RAM in your stocking;
If you are involved in an on-going interactive game over the Internet with someone in Guam;
If you thought the concoction ET used to phone home was stupid;
If you show disdain for people who still use dial-up;
If the
thought that a CD could refer to finance or music
never enters your mind;
If you would rather get more dots-per-inch from your printer than miles per gallon from your car;
If you think it’s more fun to take apart a video game than play it;
If you go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects;
If the laptop projector at a meeting doesn’t work and you rush up to the front to fix it;
If your father sat 2 inches in front of your family’s first color TV with a magnifying lens to see how they made the colors, and you grew up thinking that was normal;
If your internet bill is larger than your long distance charges;
If you have more friends on the internet than in real life;
If your favorite James Bond character is “Q”, the guy who makes the gadgets;
If you have your internet tech support on speed dial;
If you spend more on your home computer than your car;
If you know what http:// stands for;
If you can’t write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines;
If your best friends can only be reached by e-mail or chat group;
If you get suicidal when the power is out for more than 10 minutes;
If you know the altitude limits for turning on and off electronic equipment on commercial flights;
If you order pizza over the internet and pay for it through your home banking software;
If the blinking 12:00 on someone’s DVD player draws you in like a tractor beam to fix it;
If you know that UNIX is an operating system and not ancient male harem slaves;
If you find yourself typing “com” after every period when writing a sentence;
If you turn off your DSL box to re-boot it, and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one;
If your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like;
If all of your friends have an @ in their names;
If you can’t speak with your mother because she doesn’t do e-mail;
If your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box;
If you move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape;
If you refer to going to the bathroom as downloading;
If you tell cab drivers you live at http://123.elm.street/house/bluetrim.html;
If your spouse makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed”;
If you ask a plumber how much it would cost to replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet;
If you start tilting your head sideways to smile. :^);
If you turn on your computer, and turn off your spouse;
If your
spouse says communication is important in a marriage...
so you buy another computer so the two of you can chat;
If your dog has its own home page;
If your bookmarks file takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom;
If you get a tuner card so you can watch TV while surfing;
If you
and your friends get together regularly on IRC,
even though all of you live on the same city block;
If your eyeglasses have a web site burned in on them;
If you find yourself brainstorming for new subjects to search;
If you refuse to go to a vacation spot without free wireless internet service;
If you finally do take that vacation, but only after the hotel agrees to upgrade to an ISDN line;
If you
spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap ...
and your child in the overhead compartment;
If any campground without a T1 line is OFF your vacation itinerary;
If your wife calls you to dinner by posting to alt.food;
If there’s an I.V. stand next to your mini tower;
If your choice between paying ISP bill and paying for kids education is easy -- if a little painful for your kids;
If your big pickup line is, “Haven’t we met on alt.top5.addict?”
If batteries in the TV remote now last for months;
If you hire a housekeeper for your home page;
If the “new mail” alarm on your PDA annoys other churchgoers;
If your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye’s;
If AT&T names you “Customer of the Month” for the third consecutive time;
If you unsuccessfully try to download a pizza from www.dominos.com;
If your
family conducts an intervention via e-mail
and checks you into www.bettyford.com;
If you rig your toilet to alert you if you receive any new mail while you’re “offline”;
If you’re surprised to learn there’s also a 2 o’clock in the afternoon.
If you haven't yet succumbed to the Internet:
REDNECK'S GUIDE TO COMPUTER LINGO
… LOG ON: Making the wood stove hotter
… LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood.
… MONITOR: Keepin an eye on that woodstove.
… DOWNLOAD: Gettin the farwood ofn the truck.
… MEGA HERTZ: When your not careful gettin that farwood ofn the truck.
… FLOPPY DISK: Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
… RAM: Thats the thing whut splits the farwood.
… HARD DRIVE: Gettin home in the winter taim.
… PROMPT: Whut the mail ain't in the winter taim.
… WINDOWS: Whut to shut in the winter taim.
… SCREEN: Whut to shut when it's black fly season.
… BYTE: Whut them dang flys do.
… CHIP: Munchies fer the TV
… MICRO CHIP: Whuts left in the munchie bag.
… INFARED: Whur the left over munchies go. Fred eats em.
… MODEM: Whutcha did to the hay fields.
… DOT MATRIX: Ol' Dan Matrix's wife.
… LAP TOP: Whur the kitty sleeps.
… KEYBOARD: Whur ya hang the dang keys.
… SOFTWARE: Them dang plastic knifes and forks.
… MOUSE: Whut eats the grain in the barn.
… MAIN FRAME: Holds up the barn roof.
… PORT: Fancy flatlander wine.
… ENTER: Northern for come on in y'all.
… RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When you caint remember whut ya paid
for yer new rifle when your wife asks.